dating. it doesn't have to suck

here I am. back by popular demand. w/ part 1 of an article I wrote on dating. and stuff.

To follow are some of my thoughts on the topics of dating, relationships and being attractive. I've come to these conclusions through my own observations and experience. It's not rocket science. It's not kismet. It's not divine intervention. It's simply making the most of your person. Being the best you can. Being considerate of others. And having a mature handle on life and a realistic approach to relationships.

DATING:

1. Friends are people that like each other but don’t have sex. Boy/girlfriends are people that like each other and have sex. (in general) If you realise that you aren’t sexually attracted to the other person – you should not be in a committed social relationship. Move on so you can both find someone you are attracted to.

2. Relationships come and go. You meet somebody, you share your time together, you might learn some new things. The majority of your relationships, for whatever reason, will come to a natural end. At which point you say thank you for the memories, I wish you well and you move on.

3. Relationships, in themselves, are not objects to be had. They are not possessions. People are not possessions. In my observations, too many people “want” a girlfriend. Want a husband. Want a child. Its almost like the individual doesn’t matter. They just want to be in relationship. That’s selfish. That’s the wrong thing to want. The better wish is to want a boyfriend that __fill in the blanks__ i.e. “I want a boyfriend that is mature and will treat me well.” Or “I want a girlfriend that is athletic and appreciates art history” see the difference. Instead of making a blanket selfish statement, you are being proactive in identifying what makes you happy, ergo – a person you might have a great connection with.

4. Realise that it takes two to be in a relationship. This topic could go on forever- but I’m going to zero in on one very important aspect. Do not be selfish. Consider the other person’s feelings. If you are wicked hot for a girl, but the girl just doesn’t have the same level of interest – accept it and move on!

A.) why would you want to be w/ someone who isn’t hot for you?

B.) Consider the other persons feelings. If you cared so much about this person to date / want to date them – then you should care enough about them to not want them to be unhappy.

Regardless of how much you think you love somebody, or how hot he is, or how cool he is, it would be absolutely miserable to be stuck to someone who doesn’t love you the same way. You can’t force it.

Very important:

Not everybody is for everybody else.

I didn't coin that phrase, one of my ex's (and still good friend) made it up. And it's so true. Some people just aren't compatible. tough luck. but it's the truth. Don't waste your time on someone if it's not working out.

I need to add that the flip side of this is also true. Don't lead people on. Don't string them along. Be honest. Guys - this is one of the reasons why women often say that men are assholes. Some of you guys have a tendency to lead women on and only loosly stay in the relationship. Whether its b/c you want to keep having sex, or you don't want to be alone. But please - don't be an ass. If you don't want to accept all the joys and obligations of being a boyfriend - don't keep your girl hanging on. Let her go so she can find someone that really cares.

ATTRACTION:

Whether you are friends, or boy/girlfriends – your relationship exists b/c you two share the following elements:

A.) Chemistry
B) Mental / Emotional Attraction
C.) Physical Attraction

The difference between friends and boy/girlfriends is that in a romantic relationship – those three qualities should be at the highest level. The level which screams “ I want to have sex w/ you.”

A.) Chemistry = you can’t do anything about that. Its there or it isn’t there. End of story.

B.) Mental / Emotional Attraction = This is where the individual personality comes into play. Passions, hobbies, jobs, interests – all those things are hot and potentially attractive. Writers, musicians, race car drivers, football players, plumbers, whatever you do or whatever your interest is – I gty somebody thinks its hot. Anything that makes you special and unique makes you hot. Being boring and lacking passion is not hot.

C.) Physcial Attraction = looks do matter!

Anyone who says “looks aren’t important” isn’t saying what he really means. He’s not finishing the sentence. What he really means is: “your god given features don’t matter, but what you do w/ them DOES matter.” He means: “ Be the best you can be, but don’t be fake” There are many aspects to being beautiful.

The top two aspects to being beautiful are:
A.) Being happy
B.) taking care of yourself.

You might have been born w/ features that are outside of what our culture considers conventionally beautiful. So what if you have a big nose, or a round figure, or small breasts. That doesn’t matter. But – you can’t NOT care about what you look like.

Caring about your outward appearance does not equal being shallow.

Overdoing it, however, is silly and looks silly. You don’t need to be overly trendy or only buy designer clothes, or get plastic surgery – that’s all being fake.

At a minimum – be well groomed. Shave, moisturize, comb your hair, wear clean clothes. A step above that is wearing flattering clothes, wearing makeup and styling your hair.

Makeup was invented b/c it serves a purpose! Use it the right way – to enhance. Use it to emphasize your best attributes, and downplay the unflattering aspects that would otherwise detract from the more beautiful ones. This isn’t rocket science. Highlighter and mascara to bring out your eyes and concealer to coverup zits and dark circles. Do it.

The right hairstyle can bring attention to your face, eyes, and body shape. Beyond that – hair is an eye catcher.

This isn’t being shallow. We like to look at stuff that we find pleasing. We like to look at nature. We like to look at art. We HAVE to look at our girl/boyfriends, so of course we naturally want to LIKE what they look like.

Presentation is important. Take food for example. Why else do gourmet restaurants put so much emphasis on the plating and presentation of food? Something could taste really good and be good for you, but if it looks and/or smells like crap - its not going to be very appetising.

I can't speak for the gay community, but in my experience in general, men want to date women that look like women, and women want to date men that look like men. Guys want to date a girl in a pretty package that looks appealing. Dress in clothes that look good on you and say "hey I'm a sexy person - have sex w/ me" And for heavens sake - go to bed in a flirty nighty or something cute. Not an oversized t-shirt and boxer shorts. In my experience, men do not appreciate a woman who looks frumpy. Its worth the effort. trust me.

THE SECRET TO BEING A SEXY DATE-ABLE PERSON:

Guys - master the art of being an M&M. Hard candy shell outside, sweet candy melt in your mouth inside. Thats what women want. A man who has confidence and a strong character, and who also has a sensitive, compassionate inside.

Ladies - master the art of being the opposite. A soft pretty feminine package outside. and the inside is strong, with a little hard edge that says "I'm cool, I'm not a whiny annoying bitchy girl."

So very basically:

Be happy w/ who you are. Make the most of your best featuares and feel good about it. Take care of yourself. Be an individual. Be passionate about something. Have a positive attitude, be attentive and supportive of others. Be caring. Have fun. Smile.

and lastly - do it better than the average person out there.

That’s what makes you attractive.

That's what makes people want to date you.

where have I been, what have I been doing?

So I've been pretty out of touch lately. I've missed birthdays. I've missed rehearsals. And, I've even missed American Idol a lot. That's bad.

I've basically been at work for 12 hours a day for the past few months.

But I've managed to do a few fun things. For your viewing pleasure, Dave and I have put together a pictoral recap of the past three months.

The one big event that we have no pictures of is our trip to the Wine and food Festival at Mohegan Sun in January. The whole MR crew went. Our group got dressed up, won money, lost money, stole one of the celebrity chef's jackets, then of course there was the wine....and most importantly I got to meet Todd English! a sweaty hand shake, a deep look into his eyes, and we clinked wine glasses and I am still one happy gal.


You know we were buried under several blizzards, and Pres Bush declared an emergency. See now everyone complains about the cold and the snow, but honestly, I'd rather be buried under a blizzard then live w/ hurricanes and wildfires (the south) or earthquakes and mudslides (cali)

We won the superbowl. as if there was any doubt.

The biggest news on the homefront are the renovations at the Terrace and at the studio. So, click away....

http://www.daveshrewsbury.com/blogpics/index.html

another season of 'reality' tv (?)

Did we all have a good holiday?

I survived a very busy concert season. Lots of great gigs. More impressively, I survived some very fabulous social events. Very fabulous! I'll spare the details, but they involved: Boston hotspots, media execs, and a 'Party Bus.'

Christmas in Connecticut rivaled the one spent by the Griswolds (as always, my family is the best!) followed by breakfast w/ a special someone before being whisked away to a very cold but wonderful week in Orlando. An awesome vacation! I got used to that lifestyle. Then I got dumped by Harry Potter and yada yada yada it's 2005, hooray!

Thank heavens it's finally January!
For two, long, painful seasons I existed on re-runs: Sex and the Cities, 24s, Sopranos, Angels, L Words, even the much revered Twin Peaks. The lack of new broadcasting was nearly killing me.

but now, now I think (I hope!) we're in for some good watching! Two more weeks until Simon. Just a few months left of NYPD Blue but tonight began (oooooh aaaaaah) 24. I don't want to hear any complaining. Yes the cast turned over and we liked the old president better (yeah, when else have you heard That before?) and yes, the action is a bit more over the top. So what?! Bring it on. And I have to add that, I especially relished tonight's episode, b/c, I recently scored a spot in a professional womans' chorale. Rehearsals begin tomorrow! However, an unfortunate side effect is that I will never, ever be able to watch 24 in its EST time slot! Tivo could become my new best friend. But, as it stands now, we don't have Tivo. not cool enough. Although, we are capable of recording the shows to dvd...muuuahaha.

Funny how conditioned we humans become to stimuli.
Watching 24 tonight was like a Pavlov experiment. After three seasons of a virtually sexual relationship w/ 24 in high definition, Dave went through a hell of a lot of trouble to put that oh-so-recognisable CTU ring on our cell phones. The first few months we got a tiny adrendaline rush every time our phones rang. Tonight, we kept checking our pockets every 2 mins. Doot Doot DOO dooooooooo. hahaha.

Right now, I'm having a very Carrie-like blog moment as I contemplate the profound and complex paralells between tv and our lives.

The basic evolution of any creative processess seems to begin w/ function. (i.e. news broadcasts) followed by parody (the realisation of the ability to mirror life) then we reach the apex of dramatic development and achievement (complete fiction) afterwhich there's no where else to go but full circle, and we degenerate into the realm of....reality television.

What happened?? My guess is a genius documentary producer married a coked-out B-movie writer and their slut of a daughter couldn't find any other way to pay for the college degree she earned on the internet.

and when is reality tv ever real anyway?
They have freudian trained casting agents and,Hello!, staff writers for chrissakes. How many people do you know that go around remodeling a kitchen in a half hour, or drink beetle and rat brains milkshakes, or have sex with ALL of their housemates? And don't we all dream of the day we race to a remote island to run obstacle courses? and puh-lease! there is not a SHRED of anything 'unscripted' in The Simple Life.

I'm not trying to say that fictional tv isn't more 'real' than the so called reality genre, but, well, it is sorta. I have more friends that act like bonafide Trekkies, or Simpsons, or Seinfelds than those that act like 'apprentices.'

(Shut up. Shut up! Whatever you're thinking - - leave Idol out of this discussion. It is THE exception and I won't have you talking about my future husband like that!)

Could it be that we mirror ourseves after tv and Not vice versa?

We created tv characters as whatever we imagined ourselves to be - over glorified, perfectly lit, sexually fulfilled, occasionaly out of this world, super heroes. Beefed up extentions of oursleves. And now, we expect to become the very caricatures of ourselves that we created.

It's a case of life imitating art, not the other way around.

I know I'm not alone when I say that certain shows (all classified as "fictional" except for American Idol) empower me. Make me feel 'connected' to the world, comfort me, give me confidence, make me feel sexy, teach me all sorts of things. Beyond pure entertainment. An offset to the (often much needed) escapism aspects of amusement.

I know I'm not alone b/c sadly, many people take it too far. Immaturity re-enacting violence, couples expecting perfect relationships. There's a fine line between entertainment and disillusionment. But, that's not a reason to enact over zealous censorship.

I'm segueing into potentionally rocky territory so I'm going to wrap it up now. Perhaps someday I'll write a sequal. In summary, I'm not going to really tie up the loose ends of this post, except the say that I'm grateful for television and film - and for the limitless extensions of life, both of the real reality, and the digital reality variety.

things I learned while on my knees....

a few months have gone by...and people have been bugging me to blog. So guess what I'm going to blog about. that's right - cleaning my house. cleaning house. cleaning.

there's been much talk lately amongst my friends - particularly in the area of 'the need for cleansing.' is it b/c a new year is approaching and we're ready to start afresh? do the holidays make us long for happier and simpler (cleanlier) days?

yes and yes as far as I'm concerned. Plus, my dad is coming up on fri and staying over. and as usual, my house is pretty grody.

Dave - did you know our bathtub is white?
We have a bathroom, w/ a bathtub (and a shower, this isn't the 1800s) That's Dave's bathroom and I'm hardly ever in that bathtub b/c I have a full bathroom (shower stall only) in my bedroom suite.

I haven't cleaned that bathtub in, oh, I can't remember how long. and I don't usually clean w/ harsh chemicals. I prefer the non-lethal-won't-give-you-soilentgreencancer-'natural' cleansers (i.e. Dr. Bronner's) but tonight, I had to break out the bleach. and I used a whole bottle scubbing the crap out of the bathroom.

as I was giving myself carpul tunnel syndrome, I was thinking...

I know at least 3 people who are currently in committed relationships that they are unsure of. two of these people are downright unhappy, but are really struggling. "should I break it off? I don't want to hurt their feelings? It's really not that bad" Please!

One of these people is The Not. last week, I sat there patiently listening to the same old story - how stressed out he is over this 'situation'. The Not's girlfriend is semi-long distance and has kids. Kids and Mum are rather attached to The Not, who is desperately trying to cling to his independance. Mum wants to marry The Not. The Not does not even want to move in w/ her. Yet he continues to see her every weekend. and he continues to deal w/ her "separation anxiety" and a host of other very difficult issues.

To most of us, this situation is a no brainer. He knows that:
1. She feels much stronger for him, then he does for her.
2. He's not even ready to move in w/ her
3. She has issues. (yes don't we all, but ...well more on that in a minute)

He's not sure what he should do...

why doesn't he leave? cut his losses. "Thanks for the memories. Better luck next time. Not everybody is for everybody else. Sorry that you couldn't realise that relationships are like jello - the tighter you try to squeeze it, the more it just slips through your fingers." <> there are dozens of ways to leave your lover. ask me for some more lines - I have tons.

At first, I was reluctant to give my opinion b/c, well, it wasn't very nice. but I eventually couldn't hold it in anymore.

"Issues" will not magically go away. And The Not getting closer to the Mum is not going to fix her issues. She has to make the decision to heal herself. If you have inner self-related problems - No one, no thing can fix them. Other people or things or events may inspire you to want to become strong and whole, but in the end You have to make the committment to yourself to research and resolve.

Secondly, he's frustrated b/c he does cares very deeply. I think a very humane side of him wants to take care of the scarred Mum and her kids. But he is becoming very tired from juggling a stressful job and a difficult relationship, and having no personal time for himself.

self immersion.

I was feeling particularly philisophical (is that spelled right, I have no idea) and I said: come to your senses. You have to take care of yourself first. You cannot take care of someone else unless you are strong enough. Its like what the airlines teach you - in case of emergency and loss of cabin pressure, an oxygen mask will drop from the ceiling. Place the mask on yourself first. Then place the mask on your kids, neighbour who needs assitance, etc. Furthermore - if everybody took care of him/herself first, then we wouldn't have to worry as much about each other. We might actually be able to live happily. exist is solid, meaningful relationships.

He's not sure that he's ready to be the one to break it off. I say " let the cards fall where they may" things that don't work usually have a funny way of working themselves out.

and something else occured to me

Now, even though our bathtub appeared to be white - - as I started scrubbing and scouring, as I bleached through crusty stains, as I poured boiling water over layers of gook = I saw how really gleaming white the porcelain actually is. The dirt was so gunked on, that you almost couldn't even tell it was dirty,b/c, it was all dirty.

Sometimes, you don't realise how bad the situation is until you begin to fix it. Then you see how nice it can be.

But now...now you notice that it is really clean. It looks clean, it smells clean, and it just feels clean. The clean surface actually reflects the light - making the porclain sparkle.

Sure, before, I had a bathtub. Even though it was disgusting, it was still usuable. But now that it is clean, I can't believe how bad it was. I can't believe that Dave continued to shower in it and didn't fear contracting ebola. And I really hope that we don't ever let it get that nasty again. Not only did it look crappy, it was unhealthy!

so friends, I offer this to you for your consideration -

How clean is your bathtub?

a universal truth

the universe has many knowns and many truths. instinct which governs our daily lives. involuntary reflexes keeping us alive. and natural laws that keep our feet on the ground. we as humans are helpless. we can't argue, we can't negotiate. we must simply accept.

One of these known truths is that:
"Not more than 2 rooms in my house may be clean at any given time."

I just don't understand it.

Just 2 weeks ago our house was immaculate. radiant. dustless, spotless, hairless, smellless, messless. And in just days. DAYS....it all went to shit. We've done a decent enough job of keeping our bedrooms clean. the bathrooms are not yet to the point where you want to wear flip flops into the shower. and the living room is still semi-inhabitable....

But don't, and I mean, don't even imagine setting foot in the kitchen. Or the dining room (well, thats not really a loss, we're never in the dining room anyway) Or the guest suite (the pets have taken over, its nast) and ack! our studio is disgusting! one literally cannot set foot in it. Books and papers strewn about. Memorabilia dangled from its once careful mounting. the dust bunnies attacked you. they clung to your feet and should you kick them up, you chance inhaling their choking filth. they're hungry. hungry for more...dust.

Yesterday I had had it. I engaged "lunatic mode." Armed w/ dual bottles of windex holstered at my hips. Arm bands made of paper towels. A garbage bag the size of Rhode Island. And Led Zeppelin turned up to 11 to quell the screams of the dust bunnies as they were sucked into the darkened abyss of my vacuum.

This morning I'm sitting at my desk again! using my desktop pc. (as opposed to sitting on the couch w/ the laptop) If I wanted to, I can use my desk phone! I can place objects such as a coffee cup on my desk and not worry that a parasitic worm will leap into it. I can play my choice of keyboard or guitar while sitting in any number of chairs. And most gloriously, I can walk from the door to the back of the room, w/out having to pole vault over a pile of crap.

So, one more room is clean. And by cleaning it, I made the kitchen *this much messier* By the time the kitchen is clean again, I'm sure the living room will be trashed beyond recognition.

such is life.

in memory of...

Thank you to all who offered advice, support and sympathy for my poor poor hard drive.

Mr D: lived a good, long life. He was a faithful companion. Even though, I may have neglected to keep him sufficiently defragged, and relegated him to a constant state of haphazard organisation, Mr D: served me w/ steadfast eagerness. He was always there. and I never imagined there would be a day w/out him.

Mr D: was born a Maxtor 40GB. Small by today's standards. but seven years ago it was all I needed to supplement the rest of my computer family. He was stationed alongside Ms C: and became a surrogate father to her son, Mstr E: They lived in a house that Dell built, but thanks to my tech savvy friends, soon became a hip melange of the latest and greatest.

In my college years, Mr D: received his mission in life. While Ms. C: maintained the household's operations, and Mstr E: was the keeper of documents, artwork and other files. Mr D: was the working man in the family. He ran my music editing program - Cool Edit Pro, Photoshop 5, and most important to my sanity - my RPG games. Oh how many a happy eve' was spent annhilating my dormmates over a friendly battle of Q2, UT, R6 and many more. But most recently....

Mr D: was reassigned. What started as a hobby for me quickly became my life's work, my passion. My college years coincided w/ the era of P2P sharing. connected to the world's network. And I began a research and archival project that has consumed me for 4 years and counting. I hit a goldmine earlier this year. and Mr D: was w/ me the whole way.

*****
A few months ago, I noticed that my computer was making a funny sound. One of the hard drives was making a funny cluck-a-cluck-a sound when spinning. Probably not good, but unfortunately I didn't pay much attention. "I better check that out." (I would say to myself) Then in September, I sat down one day to work on my project....

and there was nothing there.

nothing. the little flashlight searched and searched but there was nothing. just a void, a big black hole in My Computer where Mr D: used to be. Mr D: what happened? Did you get sick? was it a stroke? what did I do? years and years of work. it was all gone.

I was smart enough to back up *some* of my project. By some I mean, about 25% - 45%. the rest - I fear I may never be able have again.

***Okay okay don't panic yet***

Dave gets excited over emergencies. He likes to be the level headed point man. and thankfully he stepped right in and got on message boards, trying to find a fix. Meanwhile I'm cowering in a corner, crying and rubbing my hands together, rocking back and forth muttering "all gone, all gone...."

Dave tried everything, even putting Mr D: in the freezer for a few hours. didn't work. no time was wasted. we checked the presumed dead Mr D: into a data recovery shop.

The inital prognosis was unclear. Unfort, there was some damage that would have to be repaired before the shop could even make a diagnosis. If the platter was damaged, it would be a total loss...

and they quoted me at $600 - $2,800 holy effin crap!! Can I put on price on memories? What is the value of 4 years of tireless labour?.... in the end it didn't matter b/c.. (the following is an excerpt from an email from the shop)

"The drive would not allow access due to the maintenance track (servo)being corrupted/blown. The technician then had to begin the time tedious process of writing software and attempting to repair this issue. Unfortunately, none of their efforts yielded positive results. Replacement of the faulty mechanics/electronics and repairs to the maintenance proved ineffective inresolving the problem. The work has been discontinued on this drive and the job has been classified as unrecoverable. "

I got the news at work on Wednesday. I started to cry. The cold, sterile email made me feel worse. Have you no regard for my feelings, man?!

On friday, I rec'd Mr D: back. He was airmailed to me in a cardboard box. The same box which will serve as his coffin, his final resting place forever more. A memorial service is being planned.

*****
I'm about to purchase a new hard drive. I have to move on. There is much work to be done and years and years of work to re-do. I'm planning on picking up a high capacity drive, and a firewire hard drive to back everything up!

Let this be a lesson to all - back up your files! People, and hard drives will inevitably come and go. They are but the shell that returns to dust. But it is the good times we share, the smiles, the laughs, the trials and tribulations. That is the stuff which is life, which is love.

Febtober.

my social life is manic-depressive.

I'll go for weeks where I am never home. Each night a different bar, a different group of friends, drunken overnight jams, rehearsals, shopping sprees. I'll actually call people. emails. IMs.

Then for days, weeks it seems - I'll be asleep every night at 9p. I don't leave my house. I don't want to be dressed. And I certainly don't want to answer the phone.

and occasionally, my blog entries sound like they are written by Christopher Walken

So folks, I'm sorry that I fall into random hibernation periods. My only possible explanation which is not a very good one - is that, I am not capable of multi-tasking.

Once something consumes me - it's all I am capable of focusing on. Historically, consumables have included: a.) certain people 2.) a hobby, such as my 'top secret archival music project' D.) cleaning my house and 5.) absolute no other human involved personal time.

Sometimes it is hard to believe, but I am quite introverted. and neurotic. For anyone who's heard of the Meyers Briggs Jung Keirsey whatever the hell its called these days test - I've been testing as an INFP for years. (Actually, in high school I was INTP. I've actually managed to spawn some emotions as I've grown older.)

Just took the test again the other day when I was home sick. I came up a solid I N and P and 50% F / 50% T So the test confirms my suspicions that I'm only thinking half of the time.

So back to my orig sililoquoy.

What I'm trying to say - is that, I take an extra long time to de-compress. I figure that I require approx. 1 day of seclusion for every 6 hours of time spent socialising. So, 2 nights of bar hopping per week = a full 24 hr period of alone time (not necessarily consecutive hours) needed.

September was Birthday Month. and it was fun! I went out w/ the gals, I drank heavily, I shopped, I went on a road trip. CT boyfriend came here. Sang my last mass at St. Joe's (but thats sad and I'm trying not to think about it) and then Whew! was I tired. The last week was spent in utter isolation. And it was wonderful. Sunday I laid in bed all day and read a book cover to cover. (actually re-read, its a great book that I forgot about) "Like a hole in the head" by Jen Banbury. Thanks, Mic.

and now we've launched into October. My second favourite month of the year! and I PROMISE that I will call. I PROMISE that I'll go out. I have a lot of friends to catch up w/. That is my October Priority. Trust that I have not forgotten about all a youse. and thank you so much for your unending patience and understanding.

However - the big news is that there are a few new projects (consumables) in the works. One involves the starry world of all things Stoney. and the second involves getting my act together. literally. Stay tuned.