dating. it doesn't have to suck

here I am. back by popular demand. w/ part 1 of an article I wrote on dating. and stuff.

To follow are some of my thoughts on the topics of dating, relationships and being attractive. I've come to these conclusions through my own observations and experience. It's not rocket science. It's not kismet. It's not divine intervention. It's simply making the most of your person. Being the best you can. Being considerate of others. And having a mature handle on life and a realistic approach to relationships.

DATING:

1. Friends are people that like each other but don’t have sex. Boy/girlfriends are people that like each other and have sex. (in general) If you realise that you aren’t sexually attracted to the other person – you should not be in a committed social relationship. Move on so you can both find someone you are attracted to.

2. Relationships come and go. You meet somebody, you share your time together, you might learn some new things. The majority of your relationships, for whatever reason, will come to a natural end. At which point you say thank you for the memories, I wish you well and you move on.

3. Relationships, in themselves, are not objects to be had. They are not possessions. People are not possessions. In my observations, too many people “want” a girlfriend. Want a husband. Want a child. Its almost like the individual doesn’t matter. They just want to be in relationship. That’s selfish. That’s the wrong thing to want. The better wish is to want a boyfriend that __fill in the blanks__ i.e. “I want a boyfriend that is mature and will treat me well.” Or “I want a girlfriend that is athletic and appreciates art history” see the difference. Instead of making a blanket selfish statement, you are being proactive in identifying what makes you happy, ergo – a person you might have a great connection with.

4. Realise that it takes two to be in a relationship. This topic could go on forever- but I’m going to zero in on one very important aspect. Do not be selfish. Consider the other person’s feelings. If you are wicked hot for a girl, but the girl just doesn’t have the same level of interest – accept it and move on!

A.) why would you want to be w/ someone who isn’t hot for you?

B.) Consider the other persons feelings. If you cared so much about this person to date / want to date them – then you should care enough about them to not want them to be unhappy.

Regardless of how much you think you love somebody, or how hot he is, or how cool he is, it would be absolutely miserable to be stuck to someone who doesn’t love you the same way. You can’t force it.

Very important:

Not everybody is for everybody else.

I didn't coin that phrase, one of my ex's (and still good friend) made it up. And it's so true. Some people just aren't compatible. tough luck. but it's the truth. Don't waste your time on someone if it's not working out.

I need to add that the flip side of this is also true. Don't lead people on. Don't string them along. Be honest. Guys - this is one of the reasons why women often say that men are assholes. Some of you guys have a tendency to lead women on and only loosly stay in the relationship. Whether its b/c you want to keep having sex, or you don't want to be alone. But please - don't be an ass. If you don't want to accept all the joys and obligations of being a boyfriend - don't keep your girl hanging on. Let her go so she can find someone that really cares.

ATTRACTION:

Whether you are friends, or boy/girlfriends – your relationship exists b/c you two share the following elements:

A.) Chemistry
B) Mental / Emotional Attraction
C.) Physical Attraction

The difference between friends and boy/girlfriends is that in a romantic relationship – those three qualities should be at the highest level. The level which screams “ I want to have sex w/ you.”

A.) Chemistry = you can’t do anything about that. Its there or it isn’t there. End of story.

B.) Mental / Emotional Attraction = This is where the individual personality comes into play. Passions, hobbies, jobs, interests – all those things are hot and potentially attractive. Writers, musicians, race car drivers, football players, plumbers, whatever you do or whatever your interest is – I gty somebody thinks its hot. Anything that makes you special and unique makes you hot. Being boring and lacking passion is not hot.

C.) Physcial Attraction = looks do matter!

Anyone who says “looks aren’t important” isn’t saying what he really means. He’s not finishing the sentence. What he really means is: “your god given features don’t matter, but what you do w/ them DOES matter.” He means: “ Be the best you can be, but don’t be fake” There are many aspects to being beautiful.

The top two aspects to being beautiful are:
A.) Being happy
B.) taking care of yourself.

You might have been born w/ features that are outside of what our culture considers conventionally beautiful. So what if you have a big nose, or a round figure, or small breasts. That doesn’t matter. But – you can’t NOT care about what you look like.

Caring about your outward appearance does not equal being shallow.

Overdoing it, however, is silly and looks silly. You don’t need to be overly trendy or only buy designer clothes, or get plastic surgery – that’s all being fake.

At a minimum – be well groomed. Shave, moisturize, comb your hair, wear clean clothes. A step above that is wearing flattering clothes, wearing makeup and styling your hair.

Makeup was invented b/c it serves a purpose! Use it the right way – to enhance. Use it to emphasize your best attributes, and downplay the unflattering aspects that would otherwise detract from the more beautiful ones. This isn’t rocket science. Highlighter and mascara to bring out your eyes and concealer to coverup zits and dark circles. Do it.

The right hairstyle can bring attention to your face, eyes, and body shape. Beyond that – hair is an eye catcher.

This isn’t being shallow. We like to look at stuff that we find pleasing. We like to look at nature. We like to look at art. We HAVE to look at our girl/boyfriends, so of course we naturally want to LIKE what they look like.

Presentation is important. Take food for example. Why else do gourmet restaurants put so much emphasis on the plating and presentation of food? Something could taste really good and be good for you, but if it looks and/or smells like crap - its not going to be very appetising.

I can't speak for the gay community, but in my experience in general, men want to date women that look like women, and women want to date men that look like men. Guys want to date a girl in a pretty package that looks appealing. Dress in clothes that look good on you and say "hey I'm a sexy person - have sex w/ me" And for heavens sake - go to bed in a flirty nighty or something cute. Not an oversized t-shirt and boxer shorts. In my experience, men do not appreciate a woman who looks frumpy. Its worth the effort. trust me.

THE SECRET TO BEING A SEXY DATE-ABLE PERSON:

Guys - master the art of being an M&M. Hard candy shell outside, sweet candy melt in your mouth inside. Thats what women want. A man who has confidence and a strong character, and who also has a sensitive, compassionate inside.

Ladies - master the art of being the opposite. A soft pretty feminine package outside. and the inside is strong, with a little hard edge that says "I'm cool, I'm not a whiny annoying bitchy girl."

So very basically:

Be happy w/ who you are. Make the most of your best featuares and feel good about it. Take care of yourself. Be an individual. Be passionate about something. Have a positive attitude, be attentive and supportive of others. Be caring. Have fun. Smile.

and lastly - do it better than the average person out there.

That’s what makes you attractive.

That's what makes people want to date you.